Rewriting Genesis: Adam and Evelyn.

It’s 2009 and I figure it’s about time I clear up a few things about the bible. I’ve started to rewrite genesis in easy to understand language that is more appropriate to who we are now as oppossed to a bunch of ancient sheep herders. Here is the first installment. Adam and Evelyn.

Adam opened his eyes. He’d never felt this bad before. He was lying in a muddy puddle. He stood up and wiped as much water and mud off of him as he could. He wasn’t drunk and he knew who had done this to him. It was obvious he had been shanghaied, stripped naked, and dumped in this puddle and there was only one person that could have done it. It was Him.

Now, when I say Him I’m not talking about some distant important personage, I’m talking about Adam. It was Him. Adam is Him. I am Him. You are Him. It’s not a sexist universal consciousness, it’s just easier for us who are divided to think of God as being a gender even though He is not. This is twice as hard as one might think, because You are actually Him, and You have a gender even though the Him that is You does not have a gender. He is all of you but you are simply a part of Him. Which reminds me….

He wasn’t through fucking with Adam. Adam felt a moment of incredible pain in his chest and then he saw his rib tear out of his chest.

“What the fuck?!” he yelled out. “That’s my fucking rib!” He moved to the puddle and began mucking through the mud to find his rib and instead he found…well, you know what he found. He found Evelyn. Evelyn was, of course, Him and Adam’s rib, and much more.

“Did you see my rib?” he asked her as they lay in the mud together.

“Maybe it’s here,” she said seductively as she wriggled herself into a more comfortable position under Adam.

They soon forgot all about the rib and it wasn’t until much later that Adam said to Eve, “You must be my rib! You’re mine.” Evelyn pouted and said “Things will go so much better if you don’t think of me as an object. I can’t belong to anyone but myself. If you pretend I can, it will make us both miserable.”

Adam didn’t listen. Soon Evelyn grew weary of his delusion of control so she decided to show him for certain that she was not his possession. After all, she was as much Him as he was.

Near the mud puddle they lived in was a tree. In the tree was a sweet talking snake that never really had to hunt because he could talk the food right into his mouth. He had tried to sweet talk Adam and Evelyn, but they were harder to fool than the other creatures around them.

“Snake,” she said, “When Adam returns to the puddle, I want you to pretend that you have charmed me away from Adam. I want to show him that my heart belongs to whomever it wants to choose and that my person belongs to me alone.”

“What’s in it for me?” the snake asked. He thought for a moment and answered before Evelyn could give him a reply. “Never mind, it sounds fun. I can’t wait to see how he reacts.”

Upon Adam’s return they did just as they had planned.

“I’m leaving you Adam and going with Snake. He is a better provider and he doesn’t think he owns me. I’ve been talking with him and I think it will be much better.”

Snake poked his head out of the tree. “Oh, it will be much better. Come on Honey. Come on up into the tree.”

The feeling in Adam was new to him. A rage and pain that didn’t have a specific point of origin or departure. He was jealous.

“Very well. You can have her Snake. Come down so I can congratulate you.” Snake didn’t believe him. “Come closer to the tree,” he said.

Adam did. Evelyn saw that something wasn’t right. “Wait!” she screamed. Her shout perhaps made a bad situation worse. Snake pulled back and struck towards Adam just as Adam jumped forward. Snakes body wrapped around Adams body and Adam began to bite the snake. Adam was taking huge bites of the Snake as the Snake squeezed the life out of him. Finally, neither could go on. It was the Snake that was losing blood while Adam had lost his oxygen.

Finally, Snake dropped from the tree and Evelyn ran over and began to hit Snake with a stick. It was too much. Snake slithered into the woods leaving a red trail of blood behind.
Adam slowly recovered with the nursing of Evelyn. He never did stop feeling that she was really his, but he had to at least make her think he didn’t.

Now that they had an enemy, it was no longer comfortable to live exposed, so they built a house, cut down the trees right around it and even started to wear clothes and shoes to provide a buffer against any bites from Snake and to prevent getting slivers from their new wooden house and furniture.

As for Snake. Snake was Him too. All is Him. Him is One…and All.
Thou Shalt Not Own.

And if this sounds all too easy to dismiss, I want someone to tell me who owns the color blue, the sound a passing car makes, the wind, or the emotions that go on inside…give me an answer and you are obviously the Master himself.